Thursday, April 13, 2017

One Year Ago, You Crashed My World

The words of the poem above explain it all.  Time hasn't healed anything.  It's been exactly one year since my mother passed away and I still miss her as much as I did when it happened.  

I've been through some traumatic events in my life but I believe this one takes the cake.  Maybe it's because she was my best friend, my confidant, my protector.  Maybe it's because she became the child and I became the parent during the last two years of her life.  Maybe it's because I watched her deteriorate and was the last one to see her alive.  Maybe it's because.
with mom at Easter service last year

This last year has tested me.  I went into a deep depression.  I'm now on meds to stabilize my moods.  I went into a rage stage.  I hated everyone and everything.  I felt like no one cared.  Every one else could go on with their lives, and I couldn't.  And, just when I felt like there was some sort of light, I'd go right back in the rabbit hole of despair and sorrow so bad I physically ached.  Lately, I've been in the mad mode.  I'm mad that she left me.  I'm mad that she won't be there to see my husband graduate from Ministry Development Institute.  I'm mad that my boys will be graduating high school and she's not there.  I'm MAD.

I have no doubt in my mind that my mother is in Heaven.  Her body and soul is perfect.  And, someday, we will meet again.

I have days of being okay.  Those have become more regular.  But I don't know if I'll ever be back to "normal".  My world crashed this day last year and I'm still learning to cope.
my mother and brother - March 2015


Peggy said...

I am so sorry for your lose. I have been there too. Most recently with my brother. It has been almost four years and it still seems like yesterday. The hole in your life doesn't get any smaller, it just doesn't hurt so much but that take years. I still think of my brother daily and miss him so much. Eventually.... it will not hurt like your heart is literally breaking.

Unknown said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom 3 weeks before I lost my daughter and it's awful. I think the second year is harder than the first. The first year I had memories of what she was doing. The second year, it's been memories of what we did without her. Prayers to you for strength.

Renee said...

It hurts because you loved her so much, but she wouldn't want you to be sad all the time. She would want you happy. I hope you can be some day. I'm rooting for you!

Unknown said...

I love you Terra

Deborah Caudill said...

I feel your pain and am so sorry for your loss and the despair and darkness you found yourself in after your wonderful mother's death. My mom will be 93 in May and she constantly tells me she wants to die. She is depressed since my brother lives with her and it is a horrible situation. My sister died 5 years ago and she hardly seemed to notice. It breaks my heart to see her this way. I hope that your depression is better. Being angry is better than being sad -- at least for me. I will pray for you. Another blogger says she will be prayerfully optimistic and I thought that was a good way to look at the world. Your mom would want you to think of the good times and that unbreakable bond you shared. I hope you can move forward and know your mom will always be in your heart and mind so she will never truly be gone. My heart aches for your pain. Be well, my friend, and look to the future. You will know when it's time because your mom didn't raise no fool.