Friday, April 13, 2018

Two Years and Still Lots of Tears

Mom knew me and Traci were nuts.  And she still put up with us.

They say time heals all wounds. 

I don't know who "they" are but my wounds are still pretty raw.  I'm just learning to heal, if even a bit.

I'm no stranger to death.  Many family and friends have passed away.  I've grieved, and I've carried on.  I watched my father, step-father, and mother take their final breaths.  But none have been so traumatic as the death of my mother. 

I have dreams about her still.  None of them good.  She's always sick and fragile.

I've went through the process of absolute rage and anger, towards everyone and everything.  Except God.
2007 - Her grandkids could do no wrong and she'd follow along with their antics.

I've been to a counselor and cried to the poor sap.  Then cried again when I got the bill.

I turned to alcohol as a way to numb the pain.  It took a reality check from my husband to realize I was spiraling downward by doing that.  I now take "happy pills".

I try to think of good memories with my mother.  I have plenty.  But most come as images of her weak and frail.
2015 - her last Mother's Day

I literally feel like a part of me died when she did.  Look into my soul and you will see a black void that went when she did.

Each day is a new step towards progress, towards becoming whole again.  I have an amazing support system of friends and family.  My God brings me hope that I will see my mom again.

It's not two years of her death.  It's two years of celebration, that she is in her eternal home.  And, someday, we will meet again.
2013 - She loved her "Precious" dog.


Rhonda Gales said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate, I loss my father 20 years again. I have finally reached a point where I feel like I can breath again. Grieving is a process. It gets easier, but I think about him everyday. Hugs!

Suburban prep said...

I am sorry for your loss. You know your mother was so loved by your kind words.
I understand because it has only been 6 months since the passing of my father and I miss him everyday. I had a conversation with my mother yesterday and she misses him terribly. His birthday would be in about a week and then their anniversary is at the end of this month.

SueZH said...

I'm so sorry. You brought a tear to my eye. We are always sad when someone close to us dies but sometimes it is more than just sad - its devastating. You feel this horrible longing for your loved one. I know - I've been there. I wish you peace through those hard days..

rubynreba said...

So sorry. You must have had a wonderful relationship with her. Praying for some healing for you soon. Everyone has to grieve in their in their own way.

SavingsInSeconds said...

Those photos are just precious. Love the one with the dog in her jacket! Your mom was so loved, and she must have been so proud of you. Hang in there and hold onto your faith.

Sue Hull said...

Oh terra,I'm so very sorry.You made me cry.Time doesn't heal anything.We never get over a loss,we just have to learn to go on without our loved one the best we can.Your right you will see your beautiful mom again.That's a bit of comfort.My aunt Joanne passed away 2 yrs ago and I miss her every single day.I pray daily I will see her again.I'm hoping God had Mercy on her and took her to heaven.Its hard when some family aren't believers.I'm hoping she prayed after watching Joel Osteen.She liked him and watched his show.My heart goes out to you & your family.I can't imagine my mom not here.I know we all die,but I'd love for her to be here another 10-20 yrs.She's 73 now.My grandma died at 96.I'm hoping my mom lives that long.
You & your family are always in my thoughts & prayers.I'm sending you love,hugs & prayers.God Bless 🙏

Maryann D. said...

I lost my mom over two years ago also, she was 90 and I keep thinking that I had her for a long time and did not want her to suffer anymore. But I do miss my mom and dad all the time too and dream of them also.

Trisha McKee said...

Your mom sounds like she was a beautiful woman, fun and loving. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. I am sorry memories don't yet entirely soothe. You don't necessarily heal.. you learn to live differently. Live being used to the loss, the pain... live knowing things will never be the same. ((HUGS)) Lean on your family.

Renee said...

I am late seeing this post but still wanted to comment--I pray for peace for you. Remember to take comfort in how pain-free, trouble-free, and happy your mom is now. It's hard to know what to say, but know you aren't alone when you have friends, family, and even strangers like me wishing you the best :)